Today I want to remember how good it feels to say that all is going well. Sounds corny, sounds boring. Maybe so, but life fluctuates so dramaticaly from day to day that I just need to remember this time. A time when the waters are calm and I can give thanks for that peace that I feel in my life.
It has been a quiet day off from work. I have learned to appreciate those days off. I spoke with my mother this morning and both she and my father are home safe. Wendy and Steve are both working and will enjoy dinner together at home when their day is done. Charlie is working and will be home to join me for a shrimp and pasta dinner that I will make and Justin has actually left me time to spend at the computer. He is out with a good friend having fun. Katie and Ryan are living, laughing and loving on their own standing side by side as their lives together unfold.
All is well and I am so thankful for this day and the blessings that have been given to me. I love you all so much.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Coincidence or Opportunity- Just Do It!
I just read Katelyn's blog about searching for and following her passion in life. I'm not sure if I wanted to shout for joy or cry with emotion and love. I can see that what I really felt was pride to be able to tell myself that "She got it". She wants to make a difference- make her mark. I guess that I do recall looking into sponsoring a child when I was her age. I became discouraged and didn't follow through when I found how little of my donation would actually reach the child. That must have been a nurturing instinct that was then followed by starting our family. I don't remember feeling that deep passion to get involved with too many other things since I was so focused on continuing to work while raising a family. It was more like an involvement that revolved around the kids- school volunteer, girl scouts, boy scouts, church,etc.- typical mom stuff.
As the kids became older and pulled away from those activities I just stayed around to make sure that there was someone home for them. That probable was my time to start to regroup and refocus. I found that I wasn't needed as much for them but I started to notice my patients needs more. There were alot of lonely people out there. They just needed someone to listen to them and care.
As I said goodbye to Katelyn leaving home, I saw how lonesome I became. Gary died and many lives changed forever. There was this open sore that just wouldn't heal- it broke my heart to see such pain. About 6 months later an opportunity came before me to become a Stephen Minister in our church(one-on-one christian caregiving in the community). I accepted the job with the understanding that if my family needed me or my parents became ill I would have to step back. There were 12 of us that trained for months (50 hours total). I have been assigned 2 carerecievers over the two years and meet regularly to walk along side of them and listen to their concerns. All done in confidence. I know that there are many people that do this without having a label or organization such as Stephen Ministry. This is different than forming a friendship- we are assigned these people that are in need of a listening ear, smile or hug. Many of the carereceivers are not even affiliated with my church- they have come to us from the community out of need. For some, their caregiver is all that they have to go to. The video in the post below describes our mission.
Wow, how did I end up talking about that? I guess I just went off about where my passion led to. I remember this past winter very vividly, when I came up against a life and death situation, my friend Jennifer said that it was no small coincidence that I became involved with this ministry. So, if I can take this gift and just reach out to one person at a time- that person that is facing loneliness, illness, death or just uncertainty- that's my passion.
So to my daughter, who is developing this sense of need and self-worth. Yay. Open your heart and be intune to those opportunities that enter into your life- just may not be a coincidence after all.
As the kids became older and pulled away from those activities I just stayed around to make sure that there was someone home for them. That probable was my time to start to regroup and refocus. I found that I wasn't needed as much for them but I started to notice my patients needs more. There were alot of lonely people out there. They just needed someone to listen to them and care.
As I said goodbye to Katelyn leaving home, I saw how lonesome I became. Gary died and many lives changed forever. There was this open sore that just wouldn't heal- it broke my heart to see such pain. About 6 months later an opportunity came before me to become a Stephen Minister in our church(one-on-one christian caregiving in the community). I accepted the job with the understanding that if my family needed me or my parents became ill I would have to step back. There were 12 of us that trained for months (50 hours total). I have been assigned 2 carerecievers over the two years and meet regularly to walk along side of them and listen to their concerns. All done in confidence. I know that there are many people that do this without having a label or organization such as Stephen Ministry. This is different than forming a friendship- we are assigned these people that are in need of a listening ear, smile or hug. Many of the carereceivers are not even affiliated with my church- they have come to us from the community out of need. For some, their caregiver is all that they have to go to. The video in the post below describes our mission.
Wow, how did I end up talking about that? I guess I just went off about where my passion led to. I remember this past winter very vividly, when I came up against a life and death situation, my friend Jennifer said that it was no small coincidence that I became involved with this ministry. So, if I can take this gift and just reach out to one person at a time- that person that is facing loneliness, illness, death or just uncertainty- that's my passion.
So to my daughter, who is developing this sense of need and self-worth. Yay. Open your heart and be intune to those opportunities that enter into your life- just may not be a coincidence after all.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sleepless in Connecticut
So, it's been a long time since I've posted anything on my blog. I'm not too sure why. Maybe I don't spend as much time in front of the computer as I used to. Maybe when I looked back at what I had written last year, it all seemed so dark and depressing, or perhaps I just began to wonder if all of it really mattered afterall. I guess that I began writting down thoughts because I wanted to remember exactly what I was feeling at the time that I was going through events. That's exactly what I was thinking about at 4:30 this morning-Katelyn's request of an entry.
My typical Sunday night- 10:00 shower, dry hair, crawl into bed at about 11. I read for a short time and then picked up a Sadoku and was so pleased to finish one off in about 10 minute-unlike some that get held over till the next night because I'm stumped.So,the light goes off at 11:30 not too bad for me. I fell quickly into a deep sleep. No problem till about 3:00-I wake up, look over and see Justin's tv on, get up and go into his room to shut it off. Still quite typical and can usually fall back asleep. Not last night though! I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned and he snored and snored. I don't kick anymore, I just say "You're snoring" to wake Charlie, so that he stops. Then I heard a noise above my head. I got up to see if it was rainig hard-it wasn't. Could it be a mouse or a squirrel in the atic? Then I thought of the AC vent not too far above my bed. Wouldn't it be really awful if a mouse could work its way through that vent- ahh but we have a cat. However, when I look down at the cat I can see that he is sound asleep at the foot of our bed. The noise stops, but then the snoring resumes. Loud snorts. Why can't he just breath like normal? It's not that hard- breath in, breath out. He didn't do that when we were visiting Katelyn. Her pillows are wicked plump. He didn't snore there. Maybe the high pillows closed off some of his windpipe-now there's a sadistic idea. No, I wouldn't close off his windpipe- but I'll bet he'd stop snoring. I've always told him that he should sleep with one eye open- I could reach my breaking point. Perhaps I should get him a new higher pillow, I thought. After all he has been sleeping with a stupid Mike-n-Ike pillow for years. Can't think of any other grown man that sleeps with a green pillow shaped like a giant box of candy.
So, now it's getting toward 4:00 and I'm starting to get mad. When I get mad I start having hot flashes. I toss and turn and throw the covers off and then 10 minutes later freeze. I'm hot- no, I'm on fire- then I'm shivering. Then I see Charlie get up. The bathroom? The sofa? NOOOOOOOOOO. I look down and see him on his knees playing with the cat. Oh Lord, give me strength. After that, he gets back in bed and quickly fall back to sleep- I mean within seconds the snoring resumes. Now, the cat gets up and walks around(literally walks on us), except I don't want that moose to settle on my legs. So, I start to move my legs back and forth like I'm running in the bed so that he goes away. Then I notice how nice and smooth my legs came out using a new razor. Now I start to think about my Dad- I can't remember what he looked like when he walked without effort. That upsets me-another hot flash. Then I think about my kids- I love them so, and am so proud of their progress. I give thanks for my many blessings. Toss,turn,toss,turn- ahh that feels good to smoosh my face into my pillow, but not too hard or I'll get deeper wrinkles. Finally at 4:30 it dawns on me that I should just keep repeating my mantra. Why didn't I think of that a long time ago. And so, Mr Sandman came at last.
My typical Sunday night- 10:00 shower, dry hair, crawl into bed at about 11. I read for a short time and then picked up a Sadoku and was so pleased to finish one off in about 10 minute-unlike some that get held over till the next night because I'm stumped.So,the light goes off at 11:30 not too bad for me. I fell quickly into a deep sleep. No problem till about 3:00-I wake up, look over and see Justin's tv on, get up and go into his room to shut it off. Still quite typical and can usually fall back asleep. Not last night though! I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned and he snored and snored. I don't kick anymore, I just say "You're snoring" to wake Charlie, so that he stops. Then I heard a noise above my head. I got up to see if it was rainig hard-it wasn't. Could it be a mouse or a squirrel in the atic? Then I thought of the AC vent not too far above my bed. Wouldn't it be really awful if a mouse could work its way through that vent- ahh but we have a cat. However, when I look down at the cat I can see that he is sound asleep at the foot of our bed. The noise stops, but then the snoring resumes. Loud snorts. Why can't he just breath like normal? It's not that hard- breath in, breath out. He didn't do that when we were visiting Katelyn. Her pillows are wicked plump. He didn't snore there. Maybe the high pillows closed off some of his windpipe-now there's a sadistic idea. No, I wouldn't close off his windpipe- but I'll bet he'd stop snoring. I've always told him that he should sleep with one eye open- I could reach my breaking point. Perhaps I should get him a new higher pillow, I thought. After all he has been sleeping with a stupid Mike-n-Ike pillow for years. Can't think of any other grown man that sleeps with a green pillow shaped like a giant box of candy.
So, now it's getting toward 4:00 and I'm starting to get mad. When I get mad I start having hot flashes. I toss and turn and throw the covers off and then 10 minutes later freeze. I'm hot- no, I'm on fire- then I'm shivering. Then I see Charlie get up. The bathroom? The sofa? NOOOOOOOOOO. I look down and see him on his knees playing with the cat. Oh Lord, give me strength. After that, he gets back in bed and quickly fall back to sleep- I mean within seconds the snoring resumes. Now, the cat gets up and walks around(literally walks on us), except I don't want that moose to settle on my legs. So, I start to move my legs back and forth like I'm running in the bed so that he goes away. Then I notice how nice and smooth my legs came out using a new razor. Now I start to think about my Dad- I can't remember what he looked like when he walked without effort. That upsets me-another hot flash. Then I think about my kids- I love them so, and am so proud of their progress. I give thanks for my many blessings. Toss,turn,toss,turn- ahh that feels good to smoosh my face into my pillow, but not too hard or I'll get deeper wrinkles. Finally at 4:30 it dawns on me that I should just keep repeating my mantra. Why didn't I think of that a long time ago. And so, Mr Sandman came at last.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Give a Little Bit
Here we are headed into the final stretch of summer, though it feels as if summer has just arrived here in New England. The other day Katie asked if we were still sticking to our plan of one day of weekend being a work day and the other day being a fun day. Well, there was a change in plans. Promises can be broken if needed, and this one was needed. Our days of fun became days of giving of ourselves.
It was last fall that my college roommate called and said that she was coming to Connecticut for a visit. We agreed that it was very important to get together with another college classmate, Julie, who lives in Niantic along the shore. Julie had been diagnosed with brain cancer. So, we had a wonderful bonding weekend full of silly stories and dreadful college clinical experiences that we shared. Julie was herself, but just a bit forgetful at times.
Fast forward to Memorial day weekend. Julie had just finished chemo and radiation treatments to shrink the tumor. We spent a quiet day with her and Dan. I'll most remember the walk that we took down by the water with her dog Reilly. Her leg dragged some and she said how her arm was numb all of the time now. She laughed and recalled many events that we shared from years back when our kids were little.
The next time that we visited Julie was about a month later. She had definitely changed. She had lost more hair and mostly remained confined to her recliner. That day our visit was short. My roommate, Marie, had driven down from Maine to help out for the weekend. Now, Julie required someone to stay with her at all times. Her husband, Dan, was exhausted. So, I knew that any time that we could stay with Julie would be needed.
It was at that point that we realized that we needed to spend our free weekend day giving our time to Julie and Dan. Late Saturday nights I would start cooking food to bring to them. After Charlie would finish his ambulance shift at noon, we quickly ate lunch and took off. I've never been to the beach so much without really going to the beach. Her home overlooks Rocky Neck State Park. Our trips home in the dark were usually quiet and somber.
Just over a week ago, I received that news that all treatment to shrink the tumor has stopped. Tests showed that it is not responding any longer. Her family was told that she would have two to six weeks left.
Last Sunday, our visit was very touching. She was now in a hospital bed in her living room. Her front doors were opened as she was able to lay there and look out at the ocean. Her home was buzzing with activity. Relatives were there and celebrated her sister, Diane's, birthday. Diane has been her major caregiver.
After people left and the house quieted down, Julie drifted in and out of sleep. When she did wake up she became very weepy and confused. She said that she was not afraid to die. Her faith is strong and she knows that she will be in a wonderful place with her parents and Joey, the infant son that she lost. She spoke of seven angels around her and could often hear her parents talking. She doesn't worry about death, only about the well being of those she will leave behind- Dan, Patrick, her sixteen year old son, and Bethany, her twenty-two year old daughter.
I fear for Dan. His pain and devastation is so evident to me. On Sunday, I could almost read his mind as he looked at Julie. I know that he was praying for time to stand still. Each second was cherished. They had been together since high school. In college, Julie drove home from Maine every weekend to be with Dan.
What will I remember most? When I asked Julie where she would most rather be, she said Aruba. She also told me that her favorite food was spaghetti. We agreed that all of those tests and boards that we hated didn't matter one bit right now, yet we both loved our professions. I remembered how much she loved to dance in school- even though in 1978 disco was her favorite- I hated it but I still loved you, Jules. She noticed everything so much more vividly the last time that I saw her. She easily noticed the morning doves, the leaves and the clouds in a way the we all had to look really hard to see what she saw. I'll remember how she said
that I've been a good friend and that she loves me.
Our last words were that I told her that God loves her very much and that He will take good care of her. She said that she will be all right. I replied to her that I had no doubt in my mind at all.
On the ride home late that night I kept recalling a song that was popular when we were in school. It was Give a Little Bit by Supertramp and it reminds me of this summer and caring for Julie.
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
Give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
So give a little bit
Give a little bit of your time to me
See the man with the lonely eyes
Take his hand, you'll be surprised
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my love for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we're on our way back home
It was last fall that my college roommate called and said that she was coming to Connecticut for a visit. We agreed that it was very important to get together with another college classmate, Julie, who lives in Niantic along the shore. Julie had been diagnosed with brain cancer. So, we had a wonderful bonding weekend full of silly stories and dreadful college clinical experiences that we shared. Julie was herself, but just a bit forgetful at times.
Fast forward to Memorial day weekend. Julie had just finished chemo and radiation treatments to shrink the tumor. We spent a quiet day with her and Dan. I'll most remember the walk that we took down by the water with her dog Reilly. Her leg dragged some and she said how her arm was numb all of the time now. She laughed and recalled many events that we shared from years back when our kids were little.
The next time that we visited Julie was about a month later. She had definitely changed. She had lost more hair and mostly remained confined to her recliner. That day our visit was short. My roommate, Marie, had driven down from Maine to help out for the weekend. Now, Julie required someone to stay with her at all times. Her husband, Dan, was exhausted. So, I knew that any time that we could stay with Julie would be needed.
It was at that point that we realized that we needed to spend our free weekend day giving our time to Julie and Dan. Late Saturday nights I would start cooking food to bring to them. After Charlie would finish his ambulance shift at noon, we quickly ate lunch and took off. I've never been to the beach so much without really going to the beach. Her home overlooks Rocky Neck State Park. Our trips home in the dark were usually quiet and somber.
Just over a week ago, I received that news that all treatment to shrink the tumor has stopped. Tests showed that it is not responding any longer. Her family was told that she would have two to six weeks left.
Last Sunday, our visit was very touching. She was now in a hospital bed in her living room. Her front doors were opened as she was able to lay there and look out at the ocean. Her home was buzzing with activity. Relatives were there and celebrated her sister, Diane's, birthday. Diane has been her major caregiver.
After people left and the house quieted down, Julie drifted in and out of sleep. When she did wake up she became very weepy and confused. She said that she was not afraid to die. Her faith is strong and she knows that she will be in a wonderful place with her parents and Joey, the infant son that she lost. She spoke of seven angels around her and could often hear her parents talking. She doesn't worry about death, only about the well being of those she will leave behind- Dan, Patrick, her sixteen year old son, and Bethany, her twenty-two year old daughter.
I fear for Dan. His pain and devastation is so evident to me. On Sunday, I could almost read his mind as he looked at Julie. I know that he was praying for time to stand still. Each second was cherished. They had been together since high school. In college, Julie drove home from Maine every weekend to be with Dan.
What will I remember most? When I asked Julie where she would most rather be, she said Aruba. She also told me that her favorite food was spaghetti. We agreed that all of those tests and boards that we hated didn't matter one bit right now, yet we both loved our professions. I remembered how much she loved to dance in school- even though in 1978 disco was her favorite- I hated it but I still loved you, Jules. She noticed everything so much more vividly the last time that I saw her. She easily noticed the morning doves, the leaves and the clouds in a way the we all had to look really hard to see what she saw. I'll remember how she said
that I've been a good friend and that she loves me.
Our last words were that I told her that God loves her very much and that He will take good care of her. She said that she will be all right. I replied to her that I had no doubt in my mind at all.
On the ride home late that night I kept recalling a song that was popular when we were in school. It was Give a Little Bit by Supertramp and it reminds me of this summer and caring for Julie.
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
Give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
So give a little bit
Give a little bit of your time to me
See the man with the lonely eyes
Take his hand, you'll be surprised
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my love for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we're on our way back home
Monday, July 13, 2009
Our "Mom Moment"
My poor patient that I had today. She was in this morning for an appointment with me. She told me that we should hold off on her xrays today because she could possibly be pregnant. This would be her second child, having a one and a half year old daughter already. I really can't remember how we got on the subject, but I somehow mentioned how I wanted to post something that was on my mind on my blog. I must have mentioned how my daughter was living far away which made me tell her about my walk that I took the other night.
Like many evenings, I set out after dinner for my walk or jog through the park. I find so much peace and solitude in that park. As I looked ahead on the path, my mind went back in time about 19 years. It would have been good if my body felt 19 years younger, but at that moment I just pictured an image of Katelyn on her bike while I was pushing Justin in the stroller. Back then we had a rule- it was "if you can't see me you need to stop". This is where the path enters into the woods. It is one of the spots where Katelyn would wait for us to catch up.
That evening 19 years later, the landscape was unchanged. The sky was as peaceful as usual. There was no sound of the stroller wheels on the gravel or chitter-chatter up ahead. It was quiet, yet I wanted to shout "stop if you can't see me".
Now I wanted to cry, because I miss her so, but I can wait. I know that she's happy and that's what matters the most. Be patient and finish school.
Next thing I know, there's tears running down my patient's cheek. I hardly know her, yet I guess we shared a "mom moment", no matter how old our daughters are. She was the one who encouraged me to write this tonight.
Like many evenings, I set out after dinner for my walk or jog through the park. I find so much peace and solitude in that park. As I looked ahead on the path, my mind went back in time about 19 years. It would have been good if my body felt 19 years younger, but at that moment I just pictured an image of Katelyn on her bike while I was pushing Justin in the stroller. Back then we had a rule- it was "if you can't see me you need to stop". This is where the path enters into the woods. It is one of the spots where Katelyn would wait for us to catch up.
That evening 19 years later, the landscape was unchanged. The sky was as peaceful as usual. There was no sound of the stroller wheels on the gravel or chitter-chatter up ahead. It was quiet, yet I wanted to shout "stop if you can't see me".
Now I wanted to cry, because I miss her so, but I can wait. I know that she's happy and that's what matters the most. Be patient and finish school.
Next thing I know, there's tears running down my patient's cheek. I hardly know her, yet I guess we shared a "mom moment", no matter how old our daughters are. She was the one who encouraged me to write this tonight.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Lost and Found
Wow, today was one of those days that is really hard to put into words but at the same time I want to be able to write about it. I knew that I needed to get out of bed to prepare food for a memorial service at church, but I wanted to catch the news about that nut from town who kidnapped his wife, held her hostage and ended up burning down their house. Charlie and I had been following it on the scanner the night before. Too fresh in our minds after the murder/suicide just over a week ago of my patent's sister and Willa's friend in Ellington. So, I caught the news, got up, and start my day. The phone rings and it is a happy voice. I wasn't sure though, because lately too often that voice only acted to be happy where in reality it was hurting beyond belief. A friend was going through some very troubling times and I was the only one that she had confided in. Over the past month I felt as though I was carrying around such a heavy load by sharing the disappointments that she experienced and then holding in all of those emotions. We cried together, hashed over details and prayed openly. This morning, those prayers were answered. Her voice was genuinely happy. We both were so thrilled by this new awakening taking place in her life. Thank you Lord for looking out for her. Thank you Lord for the gift of my family.
Back on track- start a couple of loads of wash, bring Maddie to work, make a dozen sandwiches for the reception, curl my hair, get dressed. And I'm off to church by 11:00. The memorial was for Cindy- 37 years old victim to cancer. I don't believe that I ever met her, but I knew so much about her. My friend Carol was her spiritual caregiver. She walked with her through this disease for the past 6 weeks. At first Cindy did not speak about her faith or (oh dear, Beau just fell out of the window-he'll be fine)want to pray together. But little by little Carol and Cindy grew spiritually and peacefully. The depth of this gift that Carol brought to her was beyond words. They were both blessed to have experienced what they did-this awakening. However, through these weeks, Carol now needed someone to walk with her. She was becoming emotionally drained. That is my assignment. Or should I say my blessing- to walk with Carol through so many layers of her life that overlap the "now" with the "then". Events from the past seem to resurface in a way almost to be able to resolve themselves in the present.
So I sat there at her memorial service realizing how much faith and strength this one woman gave to others as she faced this disease. Funny how our lives intertwine with one another. She left behind two young boys for her mother to raise. But, she knew where she was going and by doing so, she left behind those she loved with that same strong belief that she would no longer suffer. And as Carol read in a note to her children- she would be just a whisper away. I can't imagine the emptiness that would have been felt without faith and belief in that wonderful promise given to us by God.
There it is. One life lost, one faith found. One love almost lost, but happily found.
Time for bed and thankfully a peaceful sleep. Goodnight.
Back on track- start a couple of loads of wash, bring Maddie to work, make a dozen sandwiches for the reception, curl my hair, get dressed. And I'm off to church by 11:00. The memorial was for Cindy- 37 years old victim to cancer. I don't believe that I ever met her, but I knew so much about her. My friend Carol was her spiritual caregiver. She walked with her through this disease for the past 6 weeks. At first Cindy did not speak about her faith or (oh dear, Beau just fell out of the window-he'll be fine)want to pray together. But little by little Carol and Cindy grew spiritually and peacefully. The depth of this gift that Carol brought to her was beyond words. They were both blessed to have experienced what they did-this awakening. However, through these weeks, Carol now needed someone to walk with her. She was becoming emotionally drained. That is my assignment. Or should I say my blessing- to walk with Carol through so many layers of her life that overlap the "now" with the "then". Events from the past seem to resurface in a way almost to be able to resolve themselves in the present.
So I sat there at her memorial service realizing how much faith and strength this one woman gave to others as she faced this disease. Funny how our lives intertwine with one another. She left behind two young boys for her mother to raise. But, she knew where she was going and by doing so, she left behind those she loved with that same strong belief that she would no longer suffer. And as Carol read in a note to her children- she would be just a whisper away. I can't imagine the emptiness that would have been felt without faith and belief in that wonderful promise given to us by God.
There it is. One life lost, one faith found. One love almost lost, but happily found.
Time for bed and thankfully a peaceful sleep. Goodnight.
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