Last week our office shut down for vacation. For the first time in ages I didn't have any definite plans. After just getting back from a cruise in June and traveling out to Utah in March, I decided that I needed to catch up on things at home. My week was going to be used to help out my parents and also be on call if my college roommate needed me. Marie was just diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago and I wanted to leave a window of time open in case she needed me in Maine. Things seemed peaceful and even productive up until Tuesday morning. I think that I woke up right when Charlie left for work at about 7:30. I turned on the TV and settled on some program about stocks and finance. A little after 8:00 the phone rings - it is Pat, a friend of ours from church. She asked if Charlie was home and I tell her that he was at work. Then she asks if I've heard the news? There had been a shooting where Charlie works. All I could do is to hang up the phone and wait for his call. I nervously try several times to put my contacts in. Thanks be to God that he called right then to tell me that he was all right and that he didn't have his cell phone on him any longer. Right away I made calls to family members to inform them of his safety. The rest of the morning was a blur- of all days to have the chimney cleaned. The news being broadcast kept getting worse as the day progressed. 3 dead, then 5, then 7 and finally a total of 9. This is what Charlie told me when he got home in the afternoon.
He had overslept by 15 minutes and rushed off to work getting there about 5 minutes later that his normal 30 minutes of being early. When he arrived he parked his van in the back parking lot and headed toward the warehouse. He met his friend,Gerry, who was riding in a golf cart. This was his first day back to work after having knee surgery.They chatted for a couple of minutes and then Gerry took off toward the front of the building in his golf cart. Charlie took a couple of steps right outside the warehouse doors and heard popping noises like a toy gun. In a split second he sees two coworkers bolting toward the open doors shouting to run that someones shooting. Then it hits him what is going on, so the three of them run along the side of the building and into the far back of the grounds and hide under pine trees. Soon after, one of them signals the police who makes their way over to guard and protect them-eventually leading them to safety.
After he came home in the afternoon and relayed his story, it became so clear to us of how very lucky he was to have avoided being caught, involved, injured or even killed. There were so many factors that worked in his favor- being late, stopping to talk with Gerry and his coworkers fleeing at the precise time to lead him outside. That day, the disgruntled employee killed 8 great guys that Charlie worked with and injured Gerry by shooting him 3 times. Many of the victims put themselves in danger to save others- including the 2 that ran outside to alert Charlie.
What a senseless and heinous crime that took the lives of men in their 50s and 60s that had worked for the company for as many as 30 years. They were sons, dads and brothers that were loved by not only their family but also the community. I heard someone say that they never knew how involved some were in the community with sports and the youth. They had never been boastful about their service toward others.
Later in the week, we attended 3 services together in various towns. We joined about 80 other HDI workers traveling in 2 buses provided by the business. I sat next to Charlie in the bus waiting to leave the parking lot for about 45 minutes. In that time I noticed so many things. First I noticed the quiet and respectful nature of these truck drivers. Now remember, my Dad was a truck driver- so I have no disrespect. However, every now and then I do find myself referring to someone talking or acting like a "trucker". Today I saw these guys share hugs and fight back tears. I noticed one man that looked like he had just bought a new shirt which still had folds and creases from being in the package. It was cute and touching. Another driver sat across from us and I noticed him holding three handwritten envelopes for the families of the honored and loved deceased coworkers. One man caught the attention of others because he had never been seen in pants. He went to work every day of the year in shorts-except for today. What a tight group these people are, that work together.
I thank God for protecting Charlie that morning. I pray for the dear souls who lost their lives and I pray for the strength and comfort for the families and loved ones that they were taken from. My prayers are also with the employees of HDI that will return to work and carry the painful memories of that sad day forever.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
All is Well
Today I want to remember how good it feels to say that all is going well. Sounds corny, sounds boring. Maybe so, but life fluctuates so dramaticaly from day to day that I just need to remember this time. A time when the waters are calm and I can give thanks for that peace that I feel in my life.
It has been a quiet day off from work. I have learned to appreciate those days off. I spoke with my mother this morning and both she and my father are home safe. Wendy and Steve are both working and will enjoy dinner together at home when their day is done. Charlie is working and will be home to join me for a shrimp and pasta dinner that I will make and Justin has actually left me time to spend at the computer. He is out with a good friend having fun. Katie and Ryan are living, laughing and loving on their own standing side by side as their lives together unfold.
All is well and I am so thankful for this day and the blessings that have been given to me. I love you all so much.
It has been a quiet day off from work. I have learned to appreciate those days off. I spoke with my mother this morning and both she and my father are home safe. Wendy and Steve are both working and will enjoy dinner together at home when their day is done. Charlie is working and will be home to join me for a shrimp and pasta dinner that I will make and Justin has actually left me time to spend at the computer. He is out with a good friend having fun. Katie and Ryan are living, laughing and loving on their own standing side by side as their lives together unfold.
All is well and I am so thankful for this day and the blessings that have been given to me. I love you all so much.
Coincidence or Opportunity- Just Do It!
I just read Katelyn's blog about searching for and following her passion in life. I'm not sure if I wanted to shout for joy or cry with emotion and love. I can see that what I really felt was pride to be able to tell myself that "She got it". She wants to make a difference- make her mark. I guess that I do recall looking into sponsoring a child when I was her age. I became discouraged and didn't follow through when I found how little of my donation would actually reach the child. That must have been a nurturing instinct that was then followed by starting our family. I don't remember feeling that deep passion to get involved with too many other things since I was so focused on continuing to work while raising a family. It was more like an involvement that revolved around the kids- school volunteer, girl scouts, boy scouts, church,etc.- typical mom stuff.
As the kids became older and pulled away from those activities I just stayed around to make sure that there was someone home for them. That probable was my time to start to regroup and refocus. I found that I wasn't needed as much for them but I started to notice my patients needs more. There were alot of lonely people out there. They just needed someone to listen to them and care.
As I said goodbye to Katelyn leaving home, I saw how lonesome I became. Gary died and many lives changed forever. There was this open sore that just wouldn't heal- it broke my heart to see such pain. About 6 months later an opportunity came before me to become a Stephen Minister in our church(one-on-one christian caregiving in the community). I accepted the job with the understanding that if my family needed me or my parents became ill I would have to step back. There were 12 of us that trained for months (50 hours total). I have been assigned 2 carerecievers over the two years and meet regularly to walk along side of them and listen to their concerns. All done in confidence. I know that there are many people that do this without having a label or organization such as Stephen Ministry. This is different than forming a friendship- we are assigned these people that are in need of a listening ear, smile or hug. Many of the carereceivers are not even affiliated with my church- they have come to us from the community out of need. For some, their caregiver is all that they have to go to. The video in the post below describes our mission.
Wow, how did I end up talking about that? I guess I just went off about where my passion led to. I remember this past winter very vividly, when I came up against a life and death situation, my friend Jennifer said that it was no small coincidence that I became involved with this ministry. So, if I can take this gift and just reach out to one person at a time- that person that is facing loneliness, illness, death or just uncertainty- that's my passion.
So to my daughter, who is developing this sense of need and self-worth. Yay. Open your heart and be intune to those opportunities that enter into your life- just may not be a coincidence after all.
As the kids became older and pulled away from those activities I just stayed around to make sure that there was someone home for them. That probable was my time to start to regroup and refocus. I found that I wasn't needed as much for them but I started to notice my patients needs more. There were alot of lonely people out there. They just needed someone to listen to them and care.
As I said goodbye to Katelyn leaving home, I saw how lonesome I became. Gary died and many lives changed forever. There was this open sore that just wouldn't heal- it broke my heart to see such pain. About 6 months later an opportunity came before me to become a Stephen Minister in our church(one-on-one christian caregiving in the community). I accepted the job with the understanding that if my family needed me or my parents became ill I would have to step back. There were 12 of us that trained for months (50 hours total). I have been assigned 2 carerecievers over the two years and meet regularly to walk along side of them and listen to their concerns. All done in confidence. I know that there are many people that do this without having a label or organization such as Stephen Ministry. This is different than forming a friendship- we are assigned these people that are in need of a listening ear, smile or hug. Many of the carereceivers are not even affiliated with my church- they have come to us from the community out of need. For some, their caregiver is all that they have to go to. The video in the post below describes our mission.
Wow, how did I end up talking about that? I guess I just went off about where my passion led to. I remember this past winter very vividly, when I came up against a life and death situation, my friend Jennifer said that it was no small coincidence that I became involved with this ministry. So, if I can take this gift and just reach out to one person at a time- that person that is facing loneliness, illness, death or just uncertainty- that's my passion.
So to my daughter, who is developing this sense of need and self-worth. Yay. Open your heart and be intune to those opportunities that enter into your life- just may not be a coincidence after all.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sleepless in Connecticut
So, it's been a long time since I've posted anything on my blog. I'm not too sure why. Maybe I don't spend as much time in front of the computer as I used to. Maybe when I looked back at what I had written last year, it all seemed so dark and depressing, or perhaps I just began to wonder if all of it really mattered afterall. I guess that I began writting down thoughts because I wanted to remember exactly what I was feeling at the time that I was going through events. That's exactly what I was thinking about at 4:30 this morning-Katelyn's request of an entry.
My typical Sunday night- 10:00 shower, dry hair, crawl into bed at about 11. I read for a short time and then picked up a Sadoku and was so pleased to finish one off in about 10 minute-unlike some that get held over till the next night because I'm stumped.So,the light goes off at 11:30 not too bad for me. I fell quickly into a deep sleep. No problem till about 3:00-I wake up, look over and see Justin's tv on, get up and go into his room to shut it off. Still quite typical and can usually fall back asleep. Not last night though! I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned and he snored and snored. I don't kick anymore, I just say "You're snoring" to wake Charlie, so that he stops. Then I heard a noise above my head. I got up to see if it was rainig hard-it wasn't. Could it be a mouse or a squirrel in the atic? Then I thought of the AC vent not too far above my bed. Wouldn't it be really awful if a mouse could work its way through that vent- ahh but we have a cat. However, when I look down at the cat I can see that he is sound asleep at the foot of our bed. The noise stops, but then the snoring resumes. Loud snorts. Why can't he just breath like normal? It's not that hard- breath in, breath out. He didn't do that when we were visiting Katelyn. Her pillows are wicked plump. He didn't snore there. Maybe the high pillows closed off some of his windpipe-now there's a sadistic idea. No, I wouldn't close off his windpipe- but I'll bet he'd stop snoring. I've always told him that he should sleep with one eye open- I could reach my breaking point. Perhaps I should get him a new higher pillow, I thought. After all he has been sleeping with a stupid Mike-n-Ike pillow for years. Can't think of any other grown man that sleeps with a green pillow shaped like a giant box of candy.
So, now it's getting toward 4:00 and I'm starting to get mad. When I get mad I start having hot flashes. I toss and turn and throw the covers off and then 10 minutes later freeze. I'm hot- no, I'm on fire- then I'm shivering. Then I see Charlie get up. The bathroom? The sofa? NOOOOOOOOOO. I look down and see him on his knees playing with the cat. Oh Lord, give me strength. After that, he gets back in bed and quickly fall back to sleep- I mean within seconds the snoring resumes. Now, the cat gets up and walks around(literally walks on us), except I don't want that moose to settle on my legs. So, I start to move my legs back and forth like I'm running in the bed so that he goes away. Then I notice how nice and smooth my legs came out using a new razor. Now I start to think about my Dad- I can't remember what he looked like when he walked without effort. That upsets me-another hot flash. Then I think about my kids- I love them so, and am so proud of their progress. I give thanks for my many blessings. Toss,turn,toss,turn- ahh that feels good to smoosh my face into my pillow, but not too hard or I'll get deeper wrinkles. Finally at 4:30 it dawns on me that I should just keep repeating my mantra. Why didn't I think of that a long time ago. And so, Mr Sandman came at last.
My typical Sunday night- 10:00 shower, dry hair, crawl into bed at about 11. I read for a short time and then picked up a Sadoku and was so pleased to finish one off in about 10 minute-unlike some that get held over till the next night because I'm stumped.So,the light goes off at 11:30 not too bad for me. I fell quickly into a deep sleep. No problem till about 3:00-I wake up, look over and see Justin's tv on, get up and go into his room to shut it off. Still quite typical and can usually fall back asleep. Not last night though! I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned and he snored and snored. I don't kick anymore, I just say "You're snoring" to wake Charlie, so that he stops. Then I heard a noise above my head. I got up to see if it was rainig hard-it wasn't. Could it be a mouse or a squirrel in the atic? Then I thought of the AC vent not too far above my bed. Wouldn't it be really awful if a mouse could work its way through that vent- ahh but we have a cat. However, when I look down at the cat I can see that he is sound asleep at the foot of our bed. The noise stops, but then the snoring resumes. Loud snorts. Why can't he just breath like normal? It's not that hard- breath in, breath out. He didn't do that when we were visiting Katelyn. Her pillows are wicked plump. He didn't snore there. Maybe the high pillows closed off some of his windpipe-now there's a sadistic idea. No, I wouldn't close off his windpipe- but I'll bet he'd stop snoring. I've always told him that he should sleep with one eye open- I could reach my breaking point. Perhaps I should get him a new higher pillow, I thought. After all he has been sleeping with a stupid Mike-n-Ike pillow for years. Can't think of any other grown man that sleeps with a green pillow shaped like a giant box of candy.
So, now it's getting toward 4:00 and I'm starting to get mad. When I get mad I start having hot flashes. I toss and turn and throw the covers off and then 10 minutes later freeze. I'm hot- no, I'm on fire- then I'm shivering. Then I see Charlie get up. The bathroom? The sofa? NOOOOOOOOOO. I look down and see him on his knees playing with the cat. Oh Lord, give me strength. After that, he gets back in bed and quickly fall back to sleep- I mean within seconds the snoring resumes. Now, the cat gets up and walks around(literally walks on us), except I don't want that moose to settle on my legs. So, I start to move my legs back and forth like I'm running in the bed so that he goes away. Then I notice how nice and smooth my legs came out using a new razor. Now I start to think about my Dad- I can't remember what he looked like when he walked without effort. That upsets me-another hot flash. Then I think about my kids- I love them so, and am so proud of their progress. I give thanks for my many blessings. Toss,turn,toss,turn- ahh that feels good to smoosh my face into my pillow, but not too hard or I'll get deeper wrinkles. Finally at 4:30 it dawns on me that I should just keep repeating my mantra. Why didn't I think of that a long time ago. And so, Mr Sandman came at last.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Give a Little Bit
Here we are headed into the final stretch of summer, though it feels as if summer has just arrived here in New England. The other day Katie asked if we were still sticking to our plan of one day of weekend being a work day and the other day being a fun day. Well, there was a change in plans. Promises can be broken if needed, and this one was needed. Our days of fun became days of giving of ourselves.
It was last fall that my college roommate called and said that she was coming to Connecticut for a visit. We agreed that it was very important to get together with another college classmate, Julie, who lives in Niantic along the shore. Julie had been diagnosed with brain cancer. So, we had a wonderful bonding weekend full of silly stories and dreadful college clinical experiences that we shared. Julie was herself, but just a bit forgetful at times.
Fast forward to Memorial day weekend. Julie had just finished chemo and radiation treatments to shrink the tumor. We spent a quiet day with her and Dan. I'll most remember the walk that we took down by the water with her dog Reilly. Her leg dragged some and she said how her arm was numb all of the time now. She laughed and recalled many events that we shared from years back when our kids were little.
The next time that we visited Julie was about a month later. She had definitely changed. She had lost more hair and mostly remained confined to her recliner. That day our visit was short. My roommate, Marie, had driven down from Maine to help out for the weekend. Now, Julie required someone to stay with her at all times. Her husband, Dan, was exhausted. So, I knew that any time that we could stay with Julie would be needed.
It was at that point that we realized that we needed to spend our free weekend day giving our time to Julie and Dan. Late Saturday nights I would start cooking food to bring to them. After Charlie would finish his ambulance shift at noon, we quickly ate lunch and took off. I've never been to the beach so much without really going to the beach. Her home overlooks Rocky Neck State Park. Our trips home in the dark were usually quiet and somber.
Just over a week ago, I received that news that all treatment to shrink the tumor has stopped. Tests showed that it is not responding any longer. Her family was told that she would have two to six weeks left.
Last Sunday, our visit was very touching. She was now in a hospital bed in her living room. Her front doors were opened as she was able to lay there and look out at the ocean. Her home was buzzing with activity. Relatives were there and celebrated her sister, Diane's, birthday. Diane has been her major caregiver.
After people left and the house quieted down, Julie drifted in and out of sleep. When she did wake up she became very weepy and confused. She said that she was not afraid to die. Her faith is strong and she knows that she will be in a wonderful place with her parents and Joey, the infant son that she lost. She spoke of seven angels around her and could often hear her parents talking. She doesn't worry about death, only about the well being of those she will leave behind- Dan, Patrick, her sixteen year old son, and Bethany, her twenty-two year old daughter.
I fear for Dan. His pain and devastation is so evident to me. On Sunday, I could almost read his mind as he looked at Julie. I know that he was praying for time to stand still. Each second was cherished. They had been together since high school. In college, Julie drove home from Maine every weekend to be with Dan.
What will I remember most? When I asked Julie where she would most rather be, she said Aruba. She also told me that her favorite food was spaghetti. We agreed that all of those tests and boards that we hated didn't matter one bit right now, yet we both loved our professions. I remembered how much she loved to dance in school- even though in 1978 disco was her favorite- I hated it but I still loved you, Jules. She noticed everything so much more vividly the last time that I saw her. She easily noticed the morning doves, the leaves and the clouds in a way the we all had to look really hard to see what she saw. I'll remember how she said
that I've been a good friend and that she loves me.
Our last words were that I told her that God loves her very much and that He will take good care of her. She said that she will be all right. I replied to her that I had no doubt in my mind at all.
On the ride home late that night I kept recalling a song that was popular when we were in school. It was Give a Little Bit by Supertramp and it reminds me of this summer and caring for Julie.
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
Give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
So give a little bit
Give a little bit of your time to me
See the man with the lonely eyes
Take his hand, you'll be surprised
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my love for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we're on our way back home
It was last fall that my college roommate called and said that she was coming to Connecticut for a visit. We agreed that it was very important to get together with another college classmate, Julie, who lives in Niantic along the shore. Julie had been diagnosed with brain cancer. So, we had a wonderful bonding weekend full of silly stories and dreadful college clinical experiences that we shared. Julie was herself, but just a bit forgetful at times.
Fast forward to Memorial day weekend. Julie had just finished chemo and radiation treatments to shrink the tumor. We spent a quiet day with her and Dan. I'll most remember the walk that we took down by the water with her dog Reilly. Her leg dragged some and she said how her arm was numb all of the time now. She laughed and recalled many events that we shared from years back when our kids were little.
The next time that we visited Julie was about a month later. She had definitely changed. She had lost more hair and mostly remained confined to her recliner. That day our visit was short. My roommate, Marie, had driven down from Maine to help out for the weekend. Now, Julie required someone to stay with her at all times. Her husband, Dan, was exhausted. So, I knew that any time that we could stay with Julie would be needed.
It was at that point that we realized that we needed to spend our free weekend day giving our time to Julie and Dan. Late Saturday nights I would start cooking food to bring to them. After Charlie would finish his ambulance shift at noon, we quickly ate lunch and took off. I've never been to the beach so much without really going to the beach. Her home overlooks Rocky Neck State Park. Our trips home in the dark were usually quiet and somber.
Just over a week ago, I received that news that all treatment to shrink the tumor has stopped. Tests showed that it is not responding any longer. Her family was told that she would have two to six weeks left.
Last Sunday, our visit was very touching. She was now in a hospital bed in her living room. Her front doors were opened as she was able to lay there and look out at the ocean. Her home was buzzing with activity. Relatives were there and celebrated her sister, Diane's, birthday. Diane has been her major caregiver.
After people left and the house quieted down, Julie drifted in and out of sleep. When she did wake up she became very weepy and confused. She said that she was not afraid to die. Her faith is strong and she knows that she will be in a wonderful place with her parents and Joey, the infant son that she lost. She spoke of seven angels around her and could often hear her parents talking. She doesn't worry about death, only about the well being of those she will leave behind- Dan, Patrick, her sixteen year old son, and Bethany, her twenty-two year old daughter.
I fear for Dan. His pain and devastation is so evident to me. On Sunday, I could almost read his mind as he looked at Julie. I know that he was praying for time to stand still. Each second was cherished. They had been together since high school. In college, Julie drove home from Maine every weekend to be with Dan.
What will I remember most? When I asked Julie where she would most rather be, she said Aruba. She also told me that her favorite food was spaghetti. We agreed that all of those tests and boards that we hated didn't matter one bit right now, yet we both loved our professions. I remembered how much she loved to dance in school- even though in 1978 disco was her favorite- I hated it but I still loved you, Jules. She noticed everything so much more vividly the last time that I saw her. She easily noticed the morning doves, the leaves and the clouds in a way the we all had to look really hard to see what she saw. I'll remember how she said
that I've been a good friend and that she loves me.
Our last words were that I told her that God loves her very much and that He will take good care of her. She said that she will be all right. I replied to her that I had no doubt in my mind at all.
On the ride home late that night I kept recalling a song that was popular when we were in school. It was Give a Little Bit by Supertramp and it reminds me of this summer and caring for Julie.
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
Give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
So give a little bit
Give a little bit of your time to me
See the man with the lonely eyes
Take his hand, you'll be surprised
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my love for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we're on our way back home
Monday, July 13, 2009
Our "Mom Moment"
My poor patient that I had today. She was in this morning for an appointment with me. She told me that we should hold off on her xrays today because she could possibly be pregnant. This would be her second child, having a one and a half year old daughter already. I really can't remember how we got on the subject, but I somehow mentioned how I wanted to post something that was on my mind on my blog. I must have mentioned how my daughter was living far away which made me tell her about my walk that I took the other night.
Like many evenings, I set out after dinner for my walk or jog through the park. I find so much peace and solitude in that park. As I looked ahead on the path, my mind went back in time about 19 years. It would have been good if my body felt 19 years younger, but at that moment I just pictured an image of Katelyn on her bike while I was pushing Justin in the stroller. Back then we had a rule- it was "if you can't see me you need to stop". This is where the path enters into the woods. It is one of the spots where Katelyn would wait for us to catch up.
That evening 19 years later, the landscape was unchanged. The sky was as peaceful as usual. There was no sound of the stroller wheels on the gravel or chitter-chatter up ahead. It was quiet, yet I wanted to shout "stop if you can't see me".
Now I wanted to cry, because I miss her so, but I can wait. I know that she's happy and that's what matters the most. Be patient and finish school.
Next thing I know, there's tears running down my patient's cheek. I hardly know her, yet I guess we shared a "mom moment", no matter how old our daughters are. She was the one who encouraged me to write this tonight.
Like many evenings, I set out after dinner for my walk or jog through the park. I find so much peace and solitude in that park. As I looked ahead on the path, my mind went back in time about 19 years. It would have been good if my body felt 19 years younger, but at that moment I just pictured an image of Katelyn on her bike while I was pushing Justin in the stroller. Back then we had a rule- it was "if you can't see me you need to stop". This is where the path enters into the woods. It is one of the spots where Katelyn would wait for us to catch up.
That evening 19 years later, the landscape was unchanged. The sky was as peaceful as usual. There was no sound of the stroller wheels on the gravel or chitter-chatter up ahead. It was quiet, yet I wanted to shout "stop if you can't see me".
Now I wanted to cry, because I miss her so, but I can wait. I know that she's happy and that's what matters the most. Be patient and finish school.
Next thing I know, there's tears running down my patient's cheek. I hardly know her, yet I guess we shared a "mom moment", no matter how old our daughters are. She was the one who encouraged me to write this tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
