Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Give a Little Bit

Here we are headed into the final stretch of summer, though it feels as if summer has just arrived here in New England. The other day Katie asked if we were still sticking to our plan of one day of weekend being a work day and the other day being a fun day. Well, there was a change in plans. Promises can be broken if needed, and this one was needed. Our days of fun became days of giving of ourselves.
It was last fall that my college roommate called and said that she was coming to Connecticut for a visit. We agreed that it was very important to get together with another college classmate, Julie, who lives in Niantic along the shore. Julie had been diagnosed with brain cancer. So, we had a wonderful bonding weekend full of silly stories and dreadful college clinical experiences that we shared. Julie was herself, but just a bit forgetful at times.Ray, Marie, Dan Julie, me
Fast forward to Memorial day weekend. Julie had just finished chemo and radiation treatments to shrink the tumor. We spent a quiet day with her and Dan. I'll most remember the walk that we took down by the water with her dog Reilly. Her leg dragged some and she said how her arm was numb all of the time now. She laughed and recalled many events that we shared from years back when our kids were little.
The next time that we visited Julie was about a month later. She had definitely changed. She had lost more hair and mostly remained confined to her recliner. That day our visit was short. My roommate, Marie, had driven down from Maine to help out for the weekend. Now, Julie required someone to stay with her at all times. Her husband, Dan, was exhausted. So, I knew that any time that we could stay with Julie would be needed.
It was at that point that we realized that we needed to spend our free weekend day giving our time to Julie and Dan. Late Saturday nights I would start cooking food to bring to them. After Charlie would finish his ambulance shift at noon, we quickly ate lunch and took off. I've never been to the beach so much without really going to the beach. Her home overlooks Rocky Neck State Park. Our trips home in the dark were usually quiet and somber.
Just over a week ago, I received that news that all treatment to shrink the tumor has stopped. Tests showed that it is not responding any longer. Her family was told that she would have two to six weeks left.
Last Sunday, our visit was very touching. She was now in a hospital bed in her living room. Her front doors were opened as she was able to lay there and look out at the ocean. Her home was buzzing with activity. Relatives were there and celebrated her sister, Diane's, birthday. Diane has been her major caregiver. Julie
After people left and the house quieted down, Julie drifted in and out of sleep. When she did wake up she became very weepy and confused. She said that she was not afraid to die. Her faith is strong and she knows that she will be in a wonderful place with her parents and Joey, the infant son that she lost. She spoke of seven angels around her and could often hear her parents talking. She doesn't worry about death, only about the well being of those she will leave behind- Dan, Patrick, her sixteen year old son, and Bethany, her twenty-two year old daughter.
I fear for Dan. His pain and devastation is so evident to me. On Sunday, I could almost read his mind as he looked at Julie. I know that he was praying for time to stand still. Each second was cherished. They had been together since high school. In college, Julie drove home from Maine every weekend to be with Dan.
What will I remember most? When I asked Julie where she would most rather be, she said Aruba. She also told me that her favorite food was spaghetti. We agreed that all of those tests and boards that we hated didn't matter one bit right now, yet we both loved our professions. I remembered how much she loved to dance in school- even though in 1978 disco was her favorite- I hated it but I still loved you, Jules. She noticed everything so much more vividly the last time that I saw her. She easily noticed the morning doves, the leaves and the clouds in a way the we all had to look really hard to see what she saw. I'll remember how she said
that I've been a good friend and that she loves me.
Our last words were that I told her that God loves her very much and that He will take good care of her. She said that she will be all right. I replied to her that I had no doubt in my mind at all.
On the ride home late that night I kept recalling a song that was popular when we were in school. It was Give a Little Bit by Supertramp and it reminds me of this summer and caring for Julie.

Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
Give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my love to you
So give a little bit
Give a little bit of your time to me
See the man with the lonely eyes
Take his hand, you'll be surprised
Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my love for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we're on our way back home

Monday, July 13, 2009

Our "Mom Moment"

My poor patient that I had today. She was in this morning for an appointment with me. She told me that we should hold off on her xrays today because she could possibly be pregnant. This would be her second child, having a one and a half year old daughter already. I really can't remember how we got on the subject, but I somehow mentioned how I wanted to post something that was on my mind on my blog. I must have mentioned how my daughter was living far away which made me tell her about my walk that I took the other night.Photobucket
Like many evenings, I set out after dinner for my walk or jog through the park. I find so much peace and solitude in that park. As I looked ahead on the path, my mind went back in time about 19 years. It would have been good if my body felt 19 years younger, but at that moment I just pictured an image of Katelyn on her bike while I was pushing Justin in the stroller. Back then we had a rule- it was "if you can't see me you need to stop". This is where the path enters into the woods. It is one of the spots where Katelyn would wait for us to catch up. Photobucket
That evening 19 years later, the landscape was unchanged. The sky was as peaceful as usual. There was no sound of the stroller wheels on the gravel or chitter-chatter up ahead. It was quiet, yet I wanted to shout "stop if you can't see me".
Now I wanted to cry, because I miss her so, but I can wait. I know that she's happy and that's what matters the most. Be patient and finish school.
Next thing I know, there's tears running down my patient's cheek. I hardly know her, yet I guess we shared a "mom moment", no matter how old our daughters are. She was the one who encouraged me to write this tonight.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Lost and Found

Wow, today was one of those days that is really hard to put into words but at the same time I want to be able to write about it. I knew that I needed to get out of bed to prepare food for a memorial service at church, but I wanted to catch the news about that nut from town who kidnapped his wife, held her hostage and ended up burning down their house. Charlie and I had been following it on the scanner the night before. Too fresh in our minds after the murder/suicide just over a week ago of my patent's sister and Willa's friend in Ellington. So, I caught the news, got up, and start my day. The phone rings and it is a happy voice. I wasn't sure though, because lately too often that voice only acted to be happy where in reality it was hurting beyond belief. A friend was going through some very troubling times and I was the only one that she had confided in. Over the past month I felt as though I was carrying around such a heavy load by sharing the disappointments that she experienced and then holding in all of those emotions. We cried together, hashed over details and prayed openly. This morning, those prayers were answered. Her voice was genuinely happy. We both were so thrilled by this new awakening taking place in her life. Thank you Lord for looking out for her. Thank you Lord for the gift of my family.
Back on track- start a couple of loads of wash, bring Maddie to work, make a dozen sandwiches for the reception, curl my hair, get dressed. And I'm off to church by 11:00. The memorial was for Cindy- 37 years old victim to cancer. I don't believe that I ever met her, but I knew so much about her. My friend Carol was her spiritual caregiver. She walked with her through this disease for the past 6 weeks. At first Cindy did not speak about her faith or (oh dear, Beau just fell out of the window-he'll be fine)want to pray together. But little by little Carol and Cindy grew spiritually and peacefully. The depth of this gift that Carol brought to her was beyond words. They were both blessed to have experienced what they did-this awakening. However, through these weeks, Carol now needed someone to walk with her. She was becoming emotionally drained. That is my assignment. Or should I say my blessing- to walk with Carol through so many layers of her life that overlap the "now" with the "then". Events from the past seem to resurface in a way almost to be able to resolve themselves in the present.
So I sat there at her memorial service realizing how much faith and strength this one woman gave to others as she faced this disease. Funny how our lives intertwine with one another. She left behind two young boys for her mother to raise. But, she knew where she was going and by doing so, she left behind those she loved with that same strong belief that she would no longer suffer. And as Carol read in a note to her children- she would be just a whisper away. I can't imagine the emptiness that would have been felt without faith and belief in that wonderful promise given to us by God.
There it is. One life lost, one faith found. One love almost lost, but happily found.
Time for bed and thankfully a peaceful sleep. Goodnight.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Our Weekend Promise

One weekend this summer-a long, long time ago it was actually sunny and pleasant. That weekend Charlie and I worked our tails off doing yard work. You know, that day when you realize just how much there is to do to get the yard back in shape after the never-ending winter. That day when you just want to do it all so that you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. By the end of the weekend you feel overwhelmed and empty. That's just how we felt, and that's when we made a promise to each other that each weekend from now on would be composed of one day of work and one day of fun.
We're a perfect match. See, Charlie's a lawn guy- and he does a great job. He always looking down. He can spot crabgrass 50 yards away-of course on his way to get the crabgrass he may poke his eye out on the dead branch hanging down above him or twist and ankle on a hole or low spot in the ground. That's where I come in. I step back and look at the overall picture. I see the dead branches, wilted flowers or necessary changes that need to be made. That's my job this summer, to change the design of the back garden. We've been in the house for about 26 years. Our lot is lined with trees that Charlie has mowed around like a maze. The stone wall edging the garden that I created 26 years ago is just inches behind all of those trees. Whenever I mowed I'd become angry with myself because it was so stupid. I'd think "Work smarter, not harder". So now I'm redesigning the garden to incorporate the trees in it. Since the trees have grown, the perennials don't get enough sun- so most are coming out. It will be hostas, astilbes and shrubs. And man, how did I ever lift all of those rocks before? And they go so deep!
So, we agreed that our yard work should become a hobby instead of a chore, and our weekends should be a time to refresh and remember.

Here is one afternoon that Charlie planned out. He brought me to the West Hartford reservoir.It was a great day. Simple and relaxing. It reminded me of the times when we were all together. I thought back of when Justin was in third grade and was studying rocks and minerals. He was so interested in arrowheads which is quite a common shape for trap rock. Great times!
So, that recent Sunday as I was snapping my pictures, enjoying the beautiful flowers and scenery, Charlie was looking down (see I told you) and spotted a snake on the rock. Not only that, but the snake was in the process of eating a fish. I thought it was GROSS, but he was fascinated. It was good to be together with Charlie(not the snake). That day even the wildflowers looked beautiful.

Our other weekends have been composed mainly of visiting Julie at Giants Neck as she battles brain cancer or simply strolling through Evergreen Walk or Clinton Crossing. As for this Sunday evening, I'm spending it with Justin and Chris as they make pizza in our kitchen after I just polished the cabinets.
Great times!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Bev's Graduation Celebration

Last weekend we celebrated Bev's graduation from Providence College. It was a fun time. There have been so many gatherings when our family joined these same guests for times of celebrations, birthdays and yes, times of sorrow. But, this day I was able to be a part of the joy of watching a rose bloom. Bev would call me "Mom" and how I loved it. She looked to me the same way that Willa and Gary viewed my children-with love and respect. I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful friend for Katelyn. I am so grateful for the fond memories that I carry watching them grow up and discover life together-
sleepovers, volleyball, SPF,getting ready for proms/dances,shopping,discovering boys,endless hours on the phone and creating those goofy dance/exercise videos(which I would then find your brother and his friends viewing periodically).
I know that she missed her best friend and would have loved for her to be there that afternoon. Hopefully you will both be friends forever and will share so much more of your future lives together. The bond that you two share is not easily broken.
Bev- I'm so proud of all that you've become. May God watch over you and keep you safe and bring you a future filled with happiness.

If you look closely at the pictures of Willa, Maddie and Bev, you can feel Gary's eyes looking lovingly at his girls. I know this because I "Believe".

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Believe

Today, like many other days, I took a walk in the park. It was different though- one to really remember. Most times I listen to music to keep up the pace, but today I shut it off halfway through, just to think.
Willa had called the other night to tell me that the plaque and bench were installed at the park beside the tree planted in Gary’s memory. I’m so touched that she called to share her joy. Sorry that I wasn’t home when she stopped by to have her show me.

I thought that I had passed by the “Christmas tree” that was recently planted but wasn’t sure if that was “the one”. So, being a beautiful morning after a week of rain, I took my walk. From a distance when I saw the bench and plaque, I knew now that this was Gary’s tree that I had seen before. Now it felt like so much more. It was still a tree, but it became Gary- calling out to come and visit. When I saw the heart-shaped plaque and the bold lettering of the word “Believe” I was overcome with emotion. I couldn’t even stay and sit. I needed to go home and get my camera to share it- just like Willa did with me.

So, I grabbed my camera and started off again. This time I took a shortcut through the woods, not only to save time but mainly to reflect in peace. Here comes those emotions as I feel the tears swelling in my eyes. I remember how very kind and sensitive Gary was. That is rare. I recalled talking with him in the kitchen when he brought over a gift certificate to enjoy an evening out when Charlie was unemployed. He was so in tune to my sadness and frustration. He also made that separate trip over to the house with Bev just hours before Katie flew out to Utah. It’s almost like he knew- like he was saying “put everything down and take time to be together”. I miss that so. I’m sad that he has left a family behind that also misses that kindness.
As tears are running down my cheeks, I see some great wood chips along the path. Actually, they’re really nice wood chips. I could use some of those in my yard. It makes me laugh, because I can hear Gary saying “Hey kid, lighten up. Don’t cry for me. I’m fine. There’s no disease, hatred, injustice, poverty or evil where I am. You kids worry about yourselves. I’m just fine and I’m right here. You just have to believe”. That’s when the plaque that says “Believe” came back to me. As hard as it is to lose a friend, and father/husband to dear people, I do believe that he is in a place free of hardships and yet present in the lives of those left behind. He has left me with the blessings of remembering to put things aside and taking time to listen and be with those I care for. I know that he cared deeply for my children and wanted them to believe in their vision and follow their dreams.
So how long will it be before I lose that lump in my throat as I walk by the tree? Hopefully never, because I want to remember that walk in the park today when I first saw the tree and bench that called out to me saying “come, sit and believe”.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Family

This could be good for me

Yes, I'm thinking that taking the time to make myself sit down and write could be a very healthy and cleansing activity. There sure are many other things that I could think of doing with my time, but I can just say "Katelyn made me do it". For you ,my darling daughter, I will create and hopefully continue to add to this blog. Perhaps, (my Willa word) this will be a good way to clear my head and let my thoughts ramble on through my fingers instead of out of my mouth. Either way, it will still get me in some sort of trouble.
It's Spring!- and I just love the spring. My favorite time of the year. I could however do without the pollen. That green dust that clings to everything. Then comes those seed worms from the oak trees that stick to your feet and roll down the road like tumbleweeds. We're past that stage now and have begun dealing with the webs that come out of nowhere. I can't walk outside without looking like a mime practicing the breaststroke as I pass through the yard. Yuck, where do they come from.

I bet you miss the flowers in the yard. It's so wonderful to see the different flowers taking their turns blooming. First the forsythia- I remember when you'd go to Florida with Bev and family. You would ask if they were blooming at home. I'm sending pictures of the tulips from our yard and also the park. The daffodils were so beautiful this year. There are also pictures of them under the birch trees. Those flowers I planted in the fall of 1986 when I was pregnant with you, Katelyn. They remind me of you every spring. Justin's daffodils are under the other clump of birch . This weekend the rhododendrons are opening up and soon the peonies will bloom.
Oops, I forgot the crocuses. How could I forget them. I remember when you were about 2 years old and I came home from work. I showed you the flowers under the big window and said "Katelyn, you can touch, but please don't pick them". Then the phone rang. So, I left the back door open to answer it. Next thing I knew, Peaches came in the back door with a bird flapping in her mouth followed by you with a handful of crocus flowers. Thank goodness that Peaches heard the fear in my voice, because she turned around and ran back outside. You just stood there dazed with those beautiful flowers in your hands- a Kodak moment that I remember when they bloom each spring.

I miss you so. I know that you had a beautiful spring out there also. I liked the pictures that you took. We had a great time together when I visited and included those pictures too. It will seem strange not going out this summer, but that's alright. We need to do some things here this year. I'm just afraid that soon the time will come when I won't have the ability to take off whenever I want. I have been promised that for each day of work at home we will have one day to play and enjoy ourselves. So, even though we will not be visiting this summer, I will be able to tell you and show you what we've been doing. Because you see-
Everyday is a New Adventure. Always has been and hopefully if we do it right, it always will be.